November 12, 2010

It’s Complicated

We had a deep conversation at our church group last night about why we run from God at times.  I had trouble relating to that, because I couldn’t think of a time (in my adult life) where I feel that I’ve ran from God.  It was later explained by someone that sometimes we don’t run, we just are turning our backs from God, or refusing to hear what He is trying to tell us; all still a form of running from God. 

It wasn’t until today that I realized that I am partially turning my back on God with this pregnancy.  One part of me is so, so thankful for this miracle baby and am trusting in God that this will be the baby that we bring home from the hospital.  The other part of me is not fully trusting in God about this.  I am trying, but it is a major work in progress.  Sometimes I am stronger than others; other times I feel myself feeling really weak and defeated.

I’m letting myself get this way, and I am ashamed to admit this.  Part of me is trying to protect myself by already grieving the loss of my Greenie.  Its so sad, but true.  This is probably why I felt so depressed after my Peri appointment even though we were given a good report.  I know the risks and complications that I am prone to and so I feel that I am preparing myself – even though it’s impossible – for the worst case scenario. 

I didn’t realize how complicated pregnancy after loss is.  All I focused on was getting pregnant.  Now that I am, I have a whole new set of issues and emotions to deal with.  God knows I am ready for this, that’s why he blessed us with this baby, so I am going to try to have a better attitude about it.  The fact that I realize that I am tuning my back on Him is a start.  I recognize this and can now begin to tackle it. 

I’m trying to hold on to the GOOD news.

For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139

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8 comments:

  1. I so completely understand this. Trusting God again is my most severe stumbling block. How do you trust the very one you feel let you down to begin with?
    I love the Lord. I want to trust Him with all my heart, soul, mind & strength...it's just so very hard.
    Mark 9:24, "I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief!"
    Blessings to you and your precious little baby!

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  2. Wow! I had such a similar conversation with a friend about this today. How my behaviors are coping mechanisms, and that they are really just me 'trying' to protect myself from what I fear can happen. These feelings are SOOOOO complicated! Praying for all of us as we walk the complicated road that we can rejoice, enjoy, and trust!!!

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  3. I can not understand the lost, but I can understand the "fear". Even after Sarah was our miracle baby the next time I had this fear and did not fully trust that just as the Lord brought us through Sarah's birth He would be with us through the twins. And regardless of the outcome God knows our hearts and that is why we are asked to DAILY renew our minds with Him because we do have fear and we do lose trust , but if we seek Him daily He will make His grace new everyday.
    A man came to preach at our church and he talked about whenever your life is in a Chap 39 there is always a chap 40(I may have the chap # wrong) in the Bible when Gods promises and plans our shown. He was talking about Joseph and how he was sold into slavery by his brothers, accused of rape and imprisioned. But when God's plan came to pass it elevated Joseph from the prison and saved his family from starvation. God's plan at the time did not seem fair or even make sense, but when the time came God revealed a plan far better than our own. I am praying for you that you will have peace and joy through this pregnancy.

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  4. I had a loss in my first pregnancy. The feeling of detachment and sadness in a subsequent pregnancy is completely normal. Do not beat yourself up for not trusting in God. I used to be a christian but am not one anymore. It is such a relief not to have to worry about how I am not living up to the high expectation put on us by fellow Christians and "God". Going through the loss you did is hard, going through a pregnancy with the fear of it happening again is extremely hard enough without feeling bad that you are not trusting God. I hope that you have a wonderful pregnancy with no complications, but give yourself freedom to grieve in this pregnancy sometimes, it is completely normal.

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  5. Hi Lauren, It was so nice to meet you at Ashley's shower last weekend and I just wanted to stop by and say "Hi". I know first hand how hard pregnancy after a loss is. Hang in there and keep pressing toward the mark! Blogging like this is awesome and I only wish I wouldve done it because I had to keep all my anxiety and feelings inside afraid that people would judge me. Even after my loss, reading what you've written is helpful to validate my feelings still. Praying for a healthy Baby Green!

    Johanna
    Mom to Eli 5/19/07-7/24/07

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  6. Lauren,

    I too have built walls around this pregnancy. Honestly, I have spent more time trying to prepare for the worst rather than look forward to this beautiful gift. At one point, my RE looked at me with concern and said "I want you to go home and start preparing for this baby". That is just so hard...pregnancy following loss has many, many layers.

    A dear friend had a conversation with my husband and told him that she feared I wasn't enjoying this pregnancy. He told her that I was grateful, yet guarded given what I had been through. Others seem to forget the broken road that we walked, although they mean well.

    Like you, I am trying to focus on the positive and celebrate this baby. It's difficult for me to even tell people that I'm pregnant and I often don't. It's sad, but part of the process I guess.

    As far as the walk of FAITH goes, I've had many in depth, honest conversations with GOD these days. I spell out what is on my mind, my fears, anxieties, as I know he holds no judgement and understands with an unconditional love :)

    I'll be holding you close in prayer, as I understand the mixed emotions and I thank you for your honesty. I have felt everything you are feeling too.

    Much Love & Prayers Always,
    xxx

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  7. I just want to thank you for being so open and honest about what you're going through with this pregnancy. You don't know what a blessing you have been. Lifting up prayers for you and your little one...

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  8. i think it is pretty obvious that you have a great support system! i could not even begin to imagine what you went through with the green beans, but i do understand the fear after the loss.

    maybe like somebody mentioned earlier you can set small goals to keep you focused and excited. if you know that 24 weeks is viability, then take baby steps to get there. if you see the peri doc every two weeks, make that appointment a goal to accomplish. the next appt after that, your next goal. that way you have a smaller vision of the bigger picture to take it one day at a time. you may even try to so some baby prep during your goal period. like this 2 weeks, i am gonna pick a color scheme for the nursery. the next two weeks, i may shop for bedding. you don't have to do real concrete things, just tiny things to help your anxiety about your greenie baby (love the nicknames for the beans and greenie)

    and it doesn't matter how you feel about God - he knows your heart and will always be there for you! you are not the first person to stumble with your faith and you won't be the last!!

    i hope that you use your friends and your family and even your blog to share your pregnancy story, open and honestly. there may be someone out there reading this that is really moved by what you are going through and you may be helping someone through a difficult time and not even realize it!!

    love and prayers from milton, wv
    kimybeee

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    My Story
    Welcome to my life…

    Over the past three years it has been flipped upside down. I am 31 years old, and married to my hubby of three years, Josh. We have 4 beautiful angel babies, who are fondly known as our “Green Beans”. The first of my quads, Heidi, held on as long as she could and was born on January 31, 2009 after pPROMing at 17 weeks. A few weeks later, I pPROM’d with my sweet Lily. Lily, Paige, and Rylan were all born at 22 weeks on February 23, 2009. Just after being released from the hospital empty handed, I returned with a high fever and infection. Two of the nights I spent in the hospital that week, I honestly thought I was going to die. It was the sickest and most hopeless I’ve ever been. I’m pretty sure my diagnosis was a broken heart.

    Our journey to becoming parents has had its share of happiness and heartbreaks. I got through every day by staying close to Josh, friends and family, blogging, and relying on God that my future will be bright. All the love and support I’ve gotten has greatly helped me manage……I am alive and well, and want to be my absolute best as a result of this.

    On May 1st 2011, we welcomed our sweet baby girl, Taylor, into this world. She is our miracle baby and brings so much joy and happiness in our lives. She is such a gift from God.

    I have come out of all of this with a better appreciation of life. I hope to make the best of this situation by helping others who will experience a similar loss.





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