August 30, 2010


I started writing this post weeks ago.  I do that a lot actually; I’ll have a fragmented thought, so I quickly type it out, and then it sits.  Sometimes I eventually complete the thought and post it.  Other times they just sit in my draft folder.

I already had part of this post written, but I didn’t really know where I was going with it, so I didn’t finish it; until last Sunday.  The message at church solidified my thoughts on this post and gave me more clarification.  It was definitely God communicating with me through the church message.


I’m taking back the control of my life.

No longer am I going to let my fertility, or lack thereof, dictate my happiness in life.  I’ve got to set this aside and live my life.  Clearly God’s plan for me right now is not to have a child, so I’ve got to take a step back and let it go.  I still believe that it WILL happen for us eventually, now (I guess) is  just not the time.  I feel like I should be focusing on other things in my life and not constantly thinking about it, worrying about it, hoping for it….  I need to focus on the life I have and all the blessings in my life; not dwell on the one thing I don’t have.


Last Sunday, I was reminded that happiness is related to God – the true joy.  God is the source of joy and the key to true joy is to surrender what’s weighing on you.  This theory can apply to all situations - It may not be your desire to have a baby, but it could be something else, or habit that you need to surrender.  Surrender what you are trying to control and give it to God.  It’s much easier said than done, but surrendering at least part of it for now is a good start in the right direction.

joyThis was a pretty big deal for me to hear at church because of its timing.  To have a portion of this post just sitting there, half written, and then to hear that the key to happiness and joy is to surrender, made it that much clearer to me that I do need to give this up.

I can’t control my life.  Josh and I learned that the hard way as I laid in my hospital bed and we were unable to save our babies.  Therefore, I have nothing to lose by surrendering this (or at least doing my best to try too). 


Philippians 4 4:5  Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.




  1. It's so hard to just give it to God. I struggle with it ever day too. Good post, it hits home right now.

  2. If we can trust God with our eternity...we can trust Him in our now.

  3. Beautiful. Thank you for the reminder that we have a choice every day. Love to you and Josh!

  4. Good for you!! Easier said than done though, right? I have faith in you. You seem like one strong lady. Hopefully you're blessing will come and catch you by surprise! :)

  5. Good stuff! I learned from a Beth Moore Bible study (can't remember which one right now) that we need to find our fulfillment in Him first - to get our "cup" filled from Him first. Then, everything else is just overflow. May He bless you as you continue to follow and seek Him!

  6. Totally agree with Kellim. Also, did anyone else think of the song "Surrender" by Cheap Trick when reading the title to this post? Anyone?

  7. What a beautiful post! This is such an important, but difficult thing to do...surrendering to God. I know we haven't seen you guys in a while, but I think of you often!

  8. been following your blog for awhile now (i'm devon's sis-in-law) and just wanted to tell you how beautiful this post is...thank you for sharing!

  9. And, once again, your wisdom amazes me. This surrendering control to God and finding joy in so doing, is something I have grappled with my whole life. You know what? I think I'll join you on this endeavor.


  10. What a beautiful and raw post. You amaze me all the time with your wisdom and strength!

  11. I am kind of dealing with this right now, but in a different way... I too want to have children right now more than anything else in the world, but due to current circumstances it is just not in the cards for us... every day I have to remind myself to let it go, and trust I am right where God wants me, and He sees the whole picture not just the tiny piece that I see. And, each day it gets a little easier... until you find that you no longer have to make a conscious effort to let it go again...

  12. I know this has all been very hard for you but you gave to go with what you know and push forward. If you feel in your heart of hearts that God has a plan for blessing you with children (again) then trust that and let go of the fear/ worry. He will not forget about you. In the bible, God promised abraham a son (followed by a much bigger, cooler promise) but when it didn't seem to be happening in his time, he tried every way possible to make it happen - like he needed to aid God in this matter. Then the time was tight, perhaps when good ole Abe's heart was in the right place, God gave them Issac. He was 100+ years of age. Maybe God has been waiting on you to be at this place. Give it up. He knows your heart- He created it. He cannot let you down. But font make him wait till your are ancient to fulfill it. Love you!! Heart, Pounds

  13. Hate iPods changing words!!! 'when the time was right' not tight and 'but don't make him wait' not font. There are more ( like gave is have) but oh well. ;)


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    My Story
    Welcome to my life…

    Over the past three years it has been flipped upside down. I am 31 years old, and married to my hubby of three years, Josh. We have 4 beautiful angel babies, who are fondly known as our “Green Beans”. The first of my quads, Heidi, held on as long as she could and was born on January 31, 2009 after pPROMing at 17 weeks. A few weeks later, I pPROM’d with my sweet Lily. Lily, Paige, and Rylan were all born at 22 weeks on February 23, 2009. Just after being released from the hospital empty handed, I returned with a high fever and infection. Two of the nights I spent in the hospital that week, I honestly thought I was going to die. It was the sickest and most hopeless I’ve ever been. I’m pretty sure my diagnosis was a broken heart.

    Our journey to becoming parents has had its share of happiness and heartbreaks. I got through every day by staying close to Josh, friends and family, blogging, and relying on God that my future will be bright. All the love and support I’ve gotten has greatly helped me manage……I am alive and well, and want to be my absolute best as a result of this.

    On May 1st 2011, we welcomed our sweet baby girl, Taylor, into this world. She is our miracle baby and brings so much joy and happiness in our lives. She is such a gift from God.

    I have come out of all of this with a better appreciation of life. I hope to make the best of this situation by helping others who will experience a similar loss.

    Remembering The Green Beans
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