May 10, 2010


I’m not going to sugar coat this.  This was the worst Mother’s Day ever.  Last year, Josh and I tired our best to go with the flow.  Go to brunch, have a nice relaxing day together, but still it felt really weird.  Now one year later, it’s Mother’s Day, and every minute of it hurts.  I just don’t feel like I belong.  Mother’s Day is a day that Dads and kids show their love and appreciation for their hard working Mom.  That is not me.  I don’t do any of those daily duties for my children; I don’t do their laundry, cook, or clean for them.  It’s just a day that makes me feel alone and awkward. 


Mother’s of angels already have too many days as it is that remind us of our babies.  For me, Mother’s Day was just like rubbing salt in the wound.  I HOPE this is my last depressing and lonely Mother’s Day.  I don’t even want to think about what things will be like next year if I’m still like this.

Feeling this way also takes me away from celebrating MY Mom on Mother’s Day, and it’s not fair.  I can’t get past the awkwardness and the sadness, so I don’t really say or do much.  I was able to get through this morning pretty well, and my parents, Josh and I went to church and then had a nice lunch at our house afterwards.  It was nice, but I was glad to retreat to the couch for the majority of the day afterwards.


I really do appreciate all the “Mother’s Day” wishes that I was sent.  It’s sweet of you to think of me, and to remember my Green Beans.  I know I’m still considered a Mother, but it’s just not the same as having a child in your arms on a day like this. 

Rylan Heidi


  1. Lo,
    I'm sorry, so very sorry. I wish words could fix it but I know they can't. I figured yesterday was gonna be a tough one and I prayed for you and Josh throughout the day.
    Hugs sis!

  2. I've followed your blog for some time and I just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you. My sister lost her triplet sons in May 2008 so when holidays, like Mothers Day come, I am always thinking about her, and mommies like her who don't have their babies to hold. Please know that I am praying for you!

    Love and prayers,
    Christina Gomez

  3. Couldn't have said it any better! I felt the same way, but I know you knew that already. But I feel bad that I didn't recognize my mom like I used too. I just hurt too bad.

  4. lauren....thank you for being honest. and you have every right to feel that way. i wish i had magic words for you but i don't, as you know. you were on my heart all day yesterday....praying this is your last mothers day without a baby in your arms. nobody deserves it more!

    love u!

  5. I wish things were different for you, for all of us. I am sorry you had such a rough day, hoping for peace to find its way to you soon and that next year's Mother's Day is better for you in many ways. xx

  6. I actually thought of you and wondered how mothers day went for you. Oh I am so heartbroken for you. I feel like I would feel the same way you do!

    You are a fantastic mother! They are the luckiest greenbeans to have you love them so much!!!! xoxoxo

  7. So so sorry you had such a terrible day. I know every day without your babies is a challenge, but this just sounds like it was particularly sad. I'm thinking of and praying for you hon. Lots of love.

  8. I am right there with you Lauren. I have often said I feel like a fraud on mothers day. Praying for you always.

  9. All your feelings are valid, Josh is a good guy to try to take your mind off things.

  10. I am so sorry that yesterday was so hard for you & I so wish I could do something other than pray for you heart to heal!!

  11. I'm so sorry. I know there are no words to take away the pain, but please know we are all praying for you!

  12. Thank you for your honesty with this post. I too feel like a fraud, I don't do those daily duties, so it's not the same. I appreciate when people recognize me, but I would be much happier to actually have a baby in my arms to celebrate this day! Sending you love as you remember your green beans! Praying that none of us hit this day next year empty armed!

  13. I wish this Mothers Day was different for you. I am praying that next years will be different for you. I think about you all the time Lauren and especially since this weekend was approaching. And your right there are already to many days to remind us that our babies are gone. Thinking of you friend.

    P.S Hope we can get together at the end of this month :)

  14. You were in my heart on Mother's Day (duh, you always are)! I love you so & I'm always here for you!

  15. I completely understand how you feel! I have followed your blog for sometime now from another friends blog and I know what you mean. I lost a baby at 34 weeks and even though I have other children that still hurts my heart. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about her. It has been 5 years for me but it still hurts. I definately have much better days now than I did in the beginning but I still have those moments and even though the pain is still there it does not hurt as bad now. So, I guess I decided to post a comment because I want you to know that it will get better as time passes. I read your post and I see how you feel and I know I felt the same. I can relate and I want you to know you are not alone and your feelings are completely normal. I know Mother's Day must have not been good and I can remember feeling that way. I have been in prayer for your family for a long time and I continue to pray for you and your husband. I had difficulty conceiving before and after this but I did have a child after her passing and it does help. Not to sound morbid like I replaced her but it just helped! And, your Bible Verse from Jeremiah, For I know the plans I have for you...became my favorite after losing the baby. Actually, my OB doctor wrote it down for me and said read it all the time because God and prayer will bring you through this. That is some of the best advice that I was given. So, hold your head up and good luck in conceiving in the future. I will continue to pray for you and your husband. God Bless!

  16. You are more of a mother than many moms out there with living children. Never feel like a fraud! You. Are. Wonderful!

  17. Im so sorry it was a rough day. Praying you see some sunshine ahead. Love, Nan xxx

  18. Sweetest Lauren,

    I too had a difficult day on Mother's Day. My precious husband, Nicholas, tried to make the day as nice as possible. And, like you, I also had a hard time with honoring my own Mother and celebrating her due to my own heart ache. However, I did make it through it, but can't help but wonder if I will always feel such anxiety on this day. I also celebrated Christian's 1 yr angelversary just 3 days before. I tried so hard to not be saddened, but when everyone else is called Mom by earthly children it's hard.

    Know that I think of you and pray for you all the time. Your sweet, caring spirit and will to move forward are beautiful qualities. It's okay to feel a little blue....just know the sushine is on the way. I'm sending it right now.


  19. I'm sorry it was such a bad day and I completely understand why. It's hard to really celebrate Mother's Day when your children are in Heaven and not in your arms. I gave my mom and card and got cards in return but that was the extent of the day for me.

  20. Lauren, I am so sorry your day was so bad. Even though I was a horrible friend and I didn't call you, please know you were on my mind. Next year will be better, I'm sure of it. Love you lots!


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    My Story
    Welcome to my life…

    Over the past three years it has been flipped upside down. I am 31 years old, and married to my hubby of three years, Josh. We have 4 beautiful angel babies, who are fondly known as our “Green Beans”. The first of my quads, Heidi, held on as long as she could and was born on January 31, 2009 after pPROMing at 17 weeks. A few weeks later, I pPROM’d with my sweet Lily. Lily, Paige, and Rylan were all born at 22 weeks on February 23, 2009. Just after being released from the hospital empty handed, I returned with a high fever and infection. Two of the nights I spent in the hospital that week, I honestly thought I was going to die. It was the sickest and most hopeless I’ve ever been. I’m pretty sure my diagnosis was a broken heart.

    Our journey to becoming parents has had its share of happiness and heartbreaks. I got through every day by staying close to Josh, friends and family, blogging, and relying on God that my future will be bright. All the love and support I’ve gotten has greatly helped me manage……I am alive and well, and want to be my absolute best as a result of this.

    On May 1st 2011, we welcomed our sweet baby girl, Taylor, into this world. She is our miracle baby and brings so much joy and happiness in our lives. She is such a gift from God.

    I have come out of all of this with a better appreciation of life. I hope to make the best of this situation by helping others who will experience a similar loss.

    Remembering The Green Beans
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