As a kid I was usually made to attend church every Sunday, but this is the first time in my life that I've actually wanted to go, and I'm really getting something out of it. The past couple of weeks, I've been tagging along with The Pernecky's to church, and it has been really beneficial for me so far. The church's "sermons" are more like messages. They are totally relatable and keep my interest the entire time. Amazing, I know! The first Sunday that I attended, the pastor's message spoke directly to me. It applied to my situation SO closely it was scary. I had tears running down my face for most of the service. Ever since then, they've had my full and undivided attention! Anyway, the current series is about managing your life, and spending your time wisely. More importantly, it's about living in the moment and appreciating the time that God has given us. It made me realize that even though Josh and I will never fully understand WHY we lost our babies, God has granted us more time in this period in our lives. Whatever the reason behind it may be, it is our reality.
I've been feeling for the past few weeks that I am "at peace" with the loss of our Green Beans, but I'm starting to realize that there are many layers to being at full peace and letting God have complete control. The messages at church have been helping me peel back those layers and be more excepting of what my life is today. It's an extremely hard thing to except and live with, but the message about appreciating the time God has given us has really stuck with me. I'm realizing that Josh and I were granted more time in this period of our lives without living children, and there must be a reason for that. Either way, I am grateful for the time I have at life and I want to live it to the best of my ability. There were 2 nights that I spent in the hospital that I literally thought I was going to die that night. That was the scariest, most hopeless feeling that I’ve ever experienced. There is a reason that I survived that time in the hospital, and there is a reason that I am married to the most supportive and strong person for me.
What I am trying to say is - I am getting closer to having peace in my life, and it feels great to have that clarity and understanding. I'm not saying that I won't still have my sad days and moments, but it definitely feels good to see the progress that I've made over the past 7 months. I am proud of myself, and proud of Josh, and I am so grateful for the time I have. I promise to make the best of it.
__________________________________________________________________________________
Thanks for all the positive comments about my painting project! It's been a week now, and it's starting to grow on me! :)
Over the past three years it has been flipped upside down. I am 31 years old, and married to my hubby of three years, Josh. We have 4 beautiful angel babies, who are fondly known as our “Green Beans”. The first of my quads, Heidi, held on as long as she could and was born on January 31, 2009 after pPROMing at 17 weeks. A few weeks later, I pPROM’d with my sweet Lily. Lily, Paige, and Rylan were all born at 22 weeks on February 23, 2009. Just after being released from the hospital empty handed, I returned with a high fever and infection. Two of the nights I spent in the hospital that week, I honestly thought I was going to die. It was the sickest and most hopeless I’ve ever been. I’m pretty sure my diagnosis was a broken heart.
Our journey to becoming parents has had its share of happiness and heartbreaks. I got through every day by staying close to Josh, friends and family, blogging, and relying on God that my future will be bright. All the love and support I’ve gotten has greatly helped me manage……I am alive and well, and want to be my absolute best as a result of this.
On May 1st 2011, we welcomed our sweet baby girl, Taylor, into this world. She is our miracle baby and brings so much joy and happiness in our lives. She is such a gift from God.
I have come out of all of this with a better appreciation of life. I hope to make the best of this situation by helping others who will experience a similar loss.
