left behind

I hope I look back at this post one day (sooner than later) and think I'm crazy for feeling this way... BUT, right now I just feel so left behind from happiness. I am happy from day to day and grateful for the good things in my life, but what I am referring to is the pure joy and happiness and fulfillment that having a baby brings.  Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely grateful for our new house, but it's pretty depressing having all those nice bedrooms sit completely empty with out purpose.  When we picked out this house, we had four babies in mind that would occupy those rooms.  Now it's just a big reminder of how "empty" my life is.

 I've been so left behind, and am so lost without my babies.  I'm at a time in my life were it seems that everyone I know has children now, and then there's me.  I'm sick if being asked my strangers if I have kids and having to say no.  Because I really do have babies; they are just not with me, and it's complicated.  Very complicated.  I'm sick of not feeling like myself anymore. When I look back at pictures, all I do is categorize them as pre and post-pregnancy, and that's all I see things as.  Pre-pregnancy was back when life was simple and I had no idea about what this pain feels like.  Everything that has occurred post-pregnancy has been a blur.  I haven't really been fully present in life since I lost my babies, unless I am thinking about them.

When I talk to other grieving moms or read their blogs, I've heard them say that their pain and grief changes over time, but never goes away.  That doesn't surprise me, I'd never expect it to completely go away, but it's just depressing to know I will be sad and empty to a certain extent for the rest of my life.  I hope one day we will have a healthy baby, and that will be amazing, but it will never take this feeling away.

So for now, I am feeling left behind.  I'm sure my time will come, and I'll try to be patient.  It's just hard adapting to how life is for me now.

second trip to home depot before noon!

week 2

I have to admit - I didn't have a very productive week of working out and jogging.  I could list out all my excuses, but I won't waste your time.  I ran twice this week, so I fell short of my goal.  Tomorrow is a new day and I will make sure I do better next week!  We will still all have 3 more weeks to meet our monthly goals... How did you all do?  Any new successes?  Anyone discover a new workout routine that really works for their schedule?

I hope you have a great weekend! :)

bus-y day!

Yesterday was one BUSY day!  Friday is the last day of my company's fiscal year, so in sales that always means running around like crazy getting sales completed to make sure that they book for this month.  That alone makes for a wild week, but on top of that as you know, we are closing on our house and doing home improvements and moving!  Geez!

So yesterday started out early, when Josh woke me up to get ready for our final home walk-through.  Before we left for that, I anxiously waited by my laptop waiting for a contract for work to come though.  That didn't come in in time, so I went to the new house and met the superintendent  to make sure everything was completed and perfect.  That went well, and the house looks amazing!  I still can't believe it's ours!  Walk though the new house -- Check!

After that we had about 45 minuets until we needed to be at the closing for the house.  So, with that short amount of time, I decided to stop by my Dermatologist's Office.  Earlier this week I went to see my Derm for a mole check.  You hear about how important getting your skin checked for moles and melanoma is, so I finally decided to do it.  I am naturally blessed (yea, right) with freckles and moles, and I am always in the sun, so I figured it's time to get checked out.  Anyway, long story short, my Dermatologist wanted to remove 4 moles!  It was quick and fairly painless, but the one on my shin was hurting and a little red, so I stopped by her office quickly to get it checked out.  I spent every last minute I had there, then bolted to the office where we did our closing while avoiding a speed trap that Josh warned me about on Bruce B. Downs Blvd!  Doctor's appointment -- Check!

Josh loooves to be 15 min. early to everything, so I know I was worrying him a little by making it to the closing with only 1 minute to spare.  The closing went smoothly.  We signed about 72,000 papers, and quickly scanned over all the fine print.  Buy a new house -- Check! After our closing Josh and I had planned to go back to the new house and take some pictures, but unfortunately I had to go back to work.  Since that contract that I was waiting for didn't come in that morning, I had to then run to Kinko's and get it printed out, then take it to my client's office to get it signed. If only it were that easy!  I got to my client's office, but he had a room full of patients and I had to wait 1.5 hours to get in to see him.  Once I did, I got the deal signed, then ran to another Kinko's to have the check overnighted to my corporate office for processing!  Close a deal -- Check!

By now, it's about 3pm and I haven't even had lunch yet!  I picked up drive though from Chick-fil-a and headed home.  (Did you know that all the Chick-fil-a entrees are less than 500 cals each?  You can actually manage to eat healthy on-the-go at Chick-fil-a, plus it's really good!).  On my way home I stopped by the new house to see Josh and our friend Jay there busy hanging ceiling fans and lights, then headed to my home office to complete my busy work day.

We were expecting Josh's dad to arrive sometime that evening, so I quickly cleaned up the house and got it ready for our company.  The rest of my day slowed down some.  I was able to find time to take my doggies for a walk, made myself a delicious bowl of cereal for dinner and finally relax!  Ahhh!  

ikea is a mad house!

happy 1st birthday!

Isn't Romie cute?! My friend, Lauren B, first gave me the idea to use baby clothes as dog shirts instead of buying those overpriced shirts the pet stores sell. Today, I picked up a cheap newborn-size onesie at Target for Romie's Birthday. It was only $3, so I knew Josh wouldn't mind me spending unnecessary money on my dog. When I got home, I cut off the bottom of the onesie, and broke out my sewing machine. I hemmed up the end to make it a cute little shirt and I'm really happy with it!

I know this is pretty pathetic, but at least I am resourceful in my spare time! J

Happy 1st Birthday, Romie!

week 1

I'm so excited that I got some interest with my jogging idea!  I know a little friendly competition always helps motivate me... hence why I am in sales!  I've given this a lot of thought on how we can do this.  I thought about asking Josh to program something on our Green Family website, where you can log in and post your goals, and your daily or weekly activity, but that got kind of complicated.  So instead, just leave a comment on this post with your 1 month and 3 month fitness goals.  It can be anything.  If your goal is to lose 4 inches around your waist, then put that.  If you goal is to complete a marathon, put that.  You get the idea.  Next, also include in your comment how you are going to achieve your goal.  Like, jog 3 days a week, start Pilates, etc.  Then, weekly I will post my progress (eek, that's a lot of pressure), and you can post your progress on your blog or just comment on mine.  I'll label my weekly posts with my new "Jog Blog 09" header at the top.  Isn't that cute?  I had Josh make it for me.  I really need to learn Photoshop!  (Maybe that can be another goal on mine??) 

We'll publish our short term fitness goals, for all the blogger world to see. This way, everyone is accountable for their weekly progress.   How does that sound?

 

My Goals are:

1 month goal - Be able to run a 5k

3 month goal - Maintain my 5k run, and lose 5 pounds.

I plan to do this by running 4 days a week, going to Pilates once a week, while continuing to eating healthy.

Just to recap:

• On the comments section of this post, list your 1 month and 3 month fitness goals.
  
• Post how you are going to achieve your goal.
  
• Then, comment each Friday to my Jog Blog post with your weekly activity and if you've met your goal.

Grab the jog blog Button!

• <center><a href="http://relink.me/viffm4n" target="_blank"><img alt="jog blog 2009" src="http://www.greenfamily.net/images/miscblog/jogblog09_button.png" border='0'/></a></center>      

 

biggest loser

Do any of you watch The Biggest Loser?  Two weeks ago, the 4 remaining contestants had to run a marathon... all 26.2 miles of it!  What really inspired me is that Ron, currently the oldest and heaviest contestant, completed the marathon.  This guy has a ton of medical problems, and almost got sent to the hospital during the marathon, but he pressed on and made it to the finish line!  That got me thinking... if he can do it, then I can do it!  I am in no way shape or form a "runner", but I'm sure I can be trained to do it.  Well, maybe.  2.5 miles is my max distance to date, and that is tough!  Either way, The Biggest Loser is encouraging and makes me want to be better!

Besides running being painful, uncomfortable, and challenging, it's therapeutic for me.  I feel like I am leaving my pain behind; like I am running away from it.  I also spend the time thinking about my babies, and trying to be strong for them.  I want them to be proud of me, and I think they are.  All I need is my iPod BLASTING in my ears to keep me moving.  I will worry about my hearing later.  Right now it's all about losing my remaining baby weight, and being strong and healthy to keep on truckin'!

If anyone is interested and wants to start a little running challenge ~ just something fun and to keep us motivated ~ please let me know! 

 This could be us!  Wh0's in??

prayer request

I got some very unfortunate news from my sister this weekend...  A little girl named Emmaleigh, who is my niece's friend at daycare passed away on May 13, 2009.  Little Emmaleigh (2 years old in February) fell out of her crib in the middle of the night, and immediately went up to heaven.  I don't know this family, or even the names of Emmaleigh's parents, but my heart goes out to them.  I was told that Emmaleigh loved polka dots and elephants, and her smile and love of life touched everyone who met her.  Her funeral is today, so please keep her and her family in your thoughts and prayers.

Now that our babies have been in heaven for a couple of months now, I feel that they have met, and are friends with these other babies that have recently gone up to heaven.  Every time I hear about another baby who has passed away, I feel like I know some of Heidi, Lily, Paige, and Rylan's friends.  Like, sweet little Kayleigh.  They are probably all together now, having a wonderful time.

I still don't understand (and probably never will) why God picks the ones he does to take up to heaven so early, but I am (kind of) at peace with it now.  As much as I wanted my babies to live, and overcome the challenges of being born so prematurely, I am at peace with my memories of them being absolutely perfect.  Because they got to go straight up to heaven, they will never endure the pain we experience on Earth.  They will always be perfect angels.  And as for the pain and suffering that the parents and families that lost their children will experience... Well, I guess we are strong enough to get though this...  I know I have no other choice.

I hope this makes sense because these are just some of the fragmented thoughts that always run through my mind. Anyway, please pray for the friends and family of Emmaleigh, and pass this prayer request along.  Thank you.

our new casa!

In case you haven't already seen Josh's Blog lately - our new house is almost finished!!  We went by today and the carpet installation has been started!  It looks just about complete now.  It's been so fun watching every step of the construction happen.  Next, we'll be doing a pre-closing walk through in 2 weeks, then we get the keys the week after!  The first week that we officially own the house, we'll be doing some small projects before we move all our stuff in.   Josh is going to put in some recessed lighting in the Bonus Room, installing fans and lights, and the painter will be painting away!  It's getting so exciting!  Oh, and we're pretty sure we found a renter for our current house already, so that is a big relief!

Side of the house with the new landscaping.

Front door

The side yard.

Home Sweet Home!

Off to go make breakfast for dinner with the hubs!  Yumm! 

our living room

It's "Show Us Where You Live" Friday at Kelly's Korner, and today it's the Living Room/Family Room edition.  Before our big move really sets in, and there are boxes everywhere, I thought I'd post picks of our current living space.

Here is our Living Room looking in from the front doors.

The Living Room looking back at the front doors.

I had to throw this in :) ~ 

Romie enjoying laying on the floor of the Living Room.

This is our Family Room/room-that-no-one-really-uses.  Josh had the good idea to turn this room into a dinning room (instead of the small dinning area that we have off the Living Room), but we never got around to that.  In the new house we will have both! :)

Please post pics of your Living Rooms/Family Rms. if you haven't done so already.  It's fun to see every one's houses and different decorating styles.