concert

Yesterday, we went to the 97x Birthday Bash Concert with our friends and had a great day.  The weather was perfect and the music was good.  Third Eye Blind played and a couple other local bands.

updated profile

As you may have noticed, I posted pictures of our babies to the right below "Our Story".  Josh modified the pictures that he took of them the night they were born.  These pictures are all we have of the babies besides a few that the nurses took for us.  I am going to use these in the shadow boxes that I'm making for each of the babies as well.  I already have a spot picked out in the new house to put them.

All the love and support from others continues to amaze us, so I wanted to share some of the nice things that people have done for us recently...

Our good friends, Mike, Allison, Matt, Kelly, Mark, and Lesli recently got me a pair of custom made earrings with the baby's birthstones on them.  They laughed when they gave them to me, because they already had arranged to have these earrings made when Lesli saw my post about the other pair that was made for me. How ironic that they both had the same idea!  I love them both, and as you can see they look very different.  Thanks again guys!

Josh and I used to work together at the same company, Bond Medical.  To our surprise, they put together some donations for us! Lee organized it all, and we thank him for his thoughtfulness.  This time has been difficult for us, but knowing we have the support of people like you all certainly helps. We thank you again from the bottom our hearts!

The cards and flowers keep coming in on a daily basis too.  The dinning room table has been taken over by all the cards.  I enjoy reading all the kind words people write to us.  I like to grab one and re-read it when I pass by the table.

      

The hospital made us 4 memory boxes that contain different mementos for the babies.  This is Rylan's.  It has his little tiny hat in it that he wore, his outfit, and a little heart shaped pillow that he laid with.  TGH really went above and beyond for us.  We never expected to be sent home with such a nice way to remember our babies by.

Another huge blessing was the funeral home (Whitfield Funeral Home) that I selected.  I first called them when we lost Heidi, and they agreed to pick her up and do the cremation at no charge.  Then, a few weeks later I called them about the others and they offered to do the same for us.  They never charged us a thing, and that was a huge relief for us with all that was going on.  

Our good friends, Dave and Jean also surprised us with a very thoughtful gesture.  They organized a mass in memory of the babies at their church.  It will be on April 7th at 6pm, so if anyone is interested in coming, please email us by clicking here, and we'll send you all the details.  

earrings

One of my blog followers, Janet, makes custom jewelery and sent me earrings that she made in remembrance of my Green Beans.  It was a very generous offer, and I love what she made!  The earrings have the baby's birth stones; one garnet stone for Heidi (born on 1/31) and three amethyst stones for Lily, Paige, and Rylan (born 2/23).  You can see more of her jewelery on her website at www.ellascottjewels.etsy.com

Janet, thanks again for making these for me.  It's something to remember my babies by, and I will forever cherish them.

i'm sad today...

I guess it’s normal to have good days and bad days, but today I definitely feel like I’m in a rut.  For the most part, I have good days.  I am happy to be alive and enjoying the ability to do things again, but today I am not feeling as positive.   There are plenty of things I should be doing and want to do, but I can’t seem to find the motivation to do anything.   I’ve been wanting to take a shower all morning, but can’t seem to get it done.   I feel like I just wander aimlessly around my house, unsure what to do next. 

I  just really miss being pregnant and having that hope that my babies will make it.  I did everything I could do for them, but for some reason it wasn’t meant to be.  I miss them so much, and I wish could take care of them.   Even though I know it’s not my fault, I feel guilty for bringing them into this world long before they were ready.

Don’t get me wrong... I really don’t think I am depressed.  I find joy in life, and I am so glad to be able to do things again.  I am grateful to be alive, and to have the opportunity to move on.   Just sometimes I feel like my life doesn’t allow me to take a minute just to be sad and miss my babies.  I don’t like feeling sad, so it’s easy for me to get busy and try not to think about things.  Today it’s catching up with me I guess.

It really sucks to have gone though a delivery and not to have your babies as a result of it.  I know I “look” pretty much back to normal, but I still feel gross.  I have no tolerance for not looking completely back to normal, because I don't have the excuse that I just had a baby.   I am going back to Pilates next week for some personal training, so hopefully after a few weeks of that, I will feel better.  

date night

Josh took me to the Tampa Bay Lightning game last night for our date night!  It was something that we'd never done together before, and a fun change of pace.  He ended up winning a raffle at his work earlier in the week and got 2 Club Seats to the game.  The Club includes all you can eat and drink, and great seats too!  The Lightning lost by 1 point in overtime, but that didn't really matter to me.  It just felt great to get out and to feel somewhat "normal" again.

hello cute jeans!

I have been feeling better and better lately. My energy level is coming back slowly, and I am enjoying all the little things in life that I am now able to do again. I even got brave yesterday and tried on my favorite jeans... They were definitely tight, but I got them on, so that was encouraging!  I finally got the chance to drive my car again too.  I am used to driving about 2,000 mi per month, so to stop driving completely for 8+ weeks made me really miss it!

I went for a Postpartum doctor's visit yesterday, and I seem to be on my road to a physical recovery (finally). My BP is still running high, but they are not concerned with that. Dr. Rao said that it may take a few more weeks for that to level out. My pulse is now normal as I go about my daily duties. I'm sure that the low pulse rate was just a result of the bed rest.

Tonight, Josh is taking me on a date!  We used to make it a habit to go out every Friday by ourselves and do something, so this will be a nice treat.  He won't tell me what he's got planned.  All I know is that I'm supposed to be casual, wear jeans, and bring a jacket.  Hmmm... What could that be?!?

Going Home!

My echo results just came in and everything is normal! Yay! My heart rate is still in the mid 40's, so the Cardiologist asked me to briskly walk around the floor a few times to see what my heart rate does. After a couple of laps, I stopped at the nurse's station and my heart rate was 100. They were really happy with that, and the doctor said that if my heart rate has the ability to raise that quickly that there are no problems. All these heart rate issues are most likely a result of me laying in bed for the past 6 weeks. Now, I am just waiting for my OB to come up and see me one last time, then I will be discharged. Hopefully for good!

A Better Day

Greetings from Tampa General!  After a long restless night, I am feeling WAY better today.  My hemoglobin levels following my 2 blood transfusions yesterday was at 9 this morning.  My doctors are comfortable with that level, and we're hoping that it will continue to rise on it's own.  My chest pain and shortness of breath have all subsided too.  We're thinking that all these pains I am having are a result of my body readjusting from being in bed for so long.  

My pulse rate is still really low, but stable.  Tomorrow I am going to have an Echo cardiogram done to make sure my heart is functioning properly.  I am nervous about that because I don't want the doctors to find anything else wrong with me.  If my test results are normal, I am hoping that I will be discharged in the afternoon.

Josh went home this evening to get some good solid rest before he returns back to work tomorrow.  I miss him already since he's been with me this whole time.  I am so lucky to have such a strong and supportive husband to help us get through this.  I'm not alone tonight though, my mom is here with me keeping me company.  We played cards earlier and are now getting ready for bed.

Good Night,