September 22, 2009

peace be with me

As a kid I was usually made to attend church every Sunday, but this is the first time in my life that I've actually wanted to go, and I'm really getting something out of it. The past couple of weeks, I've been tagging along with The Pernecky's to church, and it has been really beneficial for me so far. The church's "sermons" are more like messages. They are totally relatable and keep my interest the entire time. Amazing, I know! The first Sunday that I attended, the pastor's message spoke directly to me. It applied to my situation SO closely it was scary. I had tears running down my face for most of the service. Ever since then, they've had my full and undivided attention! Anyway, the current series is about managing your life, and spending your time wisely. More importantly, it's about living in the moment and appreciating the time that God has given us. It made me realize that even though Josh and I will never fully understand WHY we lost our babies, God has granted us more time in this period in our lives. Whatever the reason behind it may be, it is our reality.

I've been feeling for the past few weeks that I am "at peace" with the loss of our Green Beans, but I'm starting to realize that there are many layers to being at full peace and letting God have complete control. The messages at church have been helping me peel back those layers and be more excepting of what my life is today. It's an extremely hard thing to except and live with, but the message about appreciating the time God has given us has really stuck with me. I'm realizing that Josh and I were granted more time in this period of our lives without living children, and there must be a reason for that. Either way, I am grateful for the time I have at life and I want to live it to the best of my ability. There were 2 nights that I spent in the hospital that I literally thought I was going to die that night. That was the scariest, most hopeless feeling that I’ve ever experienced. There is a reason that I survived that time in the hospital, and there is a reason that I am married to the most supportive and strong person for me.

What I am trying to say is - I am getting closer to having peace in my life, and it feels great to have that clarity and understanding. I'm not saying that I won't still have my sad days and moments, but it definitely feels good to see the progress that I've made over the past 7 months. I am proud of myself, and proud of Josh, and I am so grateful for the time I have. I promise to make the best of it.


Thanks for all the positive comments about my painting project! It's been a week now, and it's starting to grow on me! :)

Lauren Pictures, Images and PhotosLauren Pictures, Images and Photos


  1. WOW! I don't even know what else to say really. What a thought provoking and wonderful post you've shared. Thank you Lauren. Once again, you inspire. Big hugs!

  2. Beautiful Lauren. Finding a new church home is hard and one thing I am not looking forward to when we move. I am glad that you have found a good fit and are finding peace through God.

  3. I have been following your blog for months. I am so happy for you that you have found a place you enjoy going to hear God's word. I have prayed for you before and I will pray now that you keep a sense of peace, calm, and understanding in your life.
    Oh, and I love your paint job!

  4. It's so true about there being layers. There are layers to being at peace. For me, it seems like no sooner do I feel at peace that a new layer begins to peel back and the cycle of accepting this starts all over again. Thank you for sharing. xx

    p.s. That is so wonderful that you are getting help at church lately.

  5. I loved this post Lauren. You are such a beautiful person. Man I wish we were neighbours!
    I have been struggling with a couple of things these past few days, but just reading this post gave me great clarity to just "be"
    thank you.

  6. hugs, hugs, and more hugs. I, too, am trying to find that peace. It is a daily thing- one that we just learn to live with and move forward as best we can, taking comfort knowing that we WILL see our babies again, in Heaven, but that we also have to have reasons to live here on Earth in the meantime. It's something I struggle with a lot. Sending you peaceful thoughts.

  7. My faith is what pulled me out of the darkness. I think it was the realizing that my babies werent "lost" to me, they simply were no longer in this world, they were in the next, and I would see them again one day.

    It still hurts. The days are still hard. But there is a lot of peace in knowing that and it helps me go on.

    I'm glad you are finding strength and comfort in your faith. It can make all the difference.

  8. Awesome post of honesty!! That was a deep post, loved it!! You are truly an inspiring individual!! Thanks for always inspiring me!

  9. thanks for your post - it was a huge blessing to read it and such an encouragement to me.

  10. I think that is awesome that the sermons grab your attention and keep it. It's great to be excited about going to church!! It's so good that you are getting closer to peace.

  11. Oh big big giant hugs to you!! You're so amazing and so inspirational!


  12. Awwe---Peace. Such a sweet sweet tender word. I've never looked at it like that--layers. But, your so right, there are many layers we have to go through to get to that point.

    Thanks for sharing and Peace be with you.

  13. Lauren,

    I am the same way. Grew up in church but recently I just feel as God is sending me the messages through the sermons. I cannot imagine what you have been through but am so glad that you are finding peace. I do know that there is a reason for everything even though we may never understand it. I hope your days continue to get better.

  14. That is so powerful!!! I am glad you shared that with me. We started Church of the Suncoast to be a place where people who grew up like you, and were looking for a place to journey closer to God, but not at a traditional church could fit right in. I might link to your post, would that be alright???

  15. that is a really powerful post - totally agree with Brian. I can remember all the years just trying to get pregnant and thinking, God, what is in the works and plans for us to be trying so darn long. Five years of searching for answers to our prayers. Now, I know this does not compare to the pain and suffering you have been put through, but in the end we are blessed with the most amazing little men. You and Josh will be too. I know it, I pray for you and know that you are already wonderful parents to your little beans. Keep patient and stay strong and faithful!

  16. I'm so glad that you've been coming to church with us & that it's helping you to find peace. You are probably the strongest person that I know & I'm so proud that you're my friend!


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    My Story
    Welcome to my life…

    Over the past three years it has been flipped upside down. I am 31 years old, and married to my hubby of three years, Josh. We have 4 beautiful angel babies, who are fondly known as our “Green Beans”. The first of my quads, Heidi, held on as long as she could and was born on January 31, 2009 after pPROMing at 17 weeks. A few weeks later, I pPROM’d with my sweet Lily. Lily, Paige, and Rylan were all born at 22 weeks on February 23, 2009. Just after being released from the hospital empty handed, I returned with a high fever and infection. Two of the nights I spent in the hospital that week, I honestly thought I was going to die. It was the sickest and most hopeless I’ve ever been. I’m pretty sure my diagnosis was a broken heart.

    Our journey to becoming parents has had its share of happiness and heartbreaks. I got through every day by staying close to Josh, friends and family, blogging, and relying on God that my future will be bright. All the love and support I’ve gotten has greatly helped me manage……I am alive and well, and want to be my absolute best as a result of this.

    On May 1st 2011, we welcomed our sweet baby girl, Taylor, into this world. She is our miracle baby and brings so much joy and happiness in our lives. She is such a gift from God.

    I have come out of all of this with a better appreciation of life. I hope to make the best of this situation by helping others who will experience a similar loss.

    Remembering The Green Beans
    <center><a href="" target="_blank"><img alt="Remembering The Green Beans" src="" border='0'/></a></center>