August 23, 2009

six months

Six months ago today, my babies were born and went to heaven.



I cannot believe it's been half a year already. At times, it feels like just yesterday, but at the same time, that night feels like ages ago. I'm feeling kind of weak and sick about the whole idea of my life continuing without them, but I have no other choice. Life just keeps on moving at the same pace, and I've just had to jump on go with the flow. It just seems like time needs to stop so that I can regroup and find my direction again.

I am a better person for knowing my children, and so grateful that I got the opportunity to have met them and know them a little. I am at total peace with knowing that they are in heaven and will always be perfect; never feeling any of the pain and suffering we feel here on earth. I know they are with God and our other family members that have passed. I'm even honored that God chose me to be their mommy. I have a feeling that that was a pretty big deal. It was in God's plan that Josh and I would have our 4 Green Beans, and they would be angels.

Nothing will take the sadness away, but I am OK with it all. It's just my life, and more good will come. I am hoping and praying that we'll have happy, healthy children one day (hopefully sooner than later). In the meantime, the waiting really hurts and I wish I knew WHY.

Over the past six months I've felt my grief evolve. Coping is overall easier for me now than it was during the first 3 months. So that's encouraging. I'm guessing the sadness and hurt will continue to evolve over time. I've been trying to shift my focus in life onto other things other than the babies, so that I can continue with my healing and fully get back to life. I am not going to cling onto every little anniversary that comes along for them. I don't think that is healthy for me to focus on those days. Today is an important milestone for me, so I wanted to point out the 6 month anniversary, and we also plan on celebrating The Beans in some way on their birthdays.

It doesn't have to be any particular day in order for me to remember The Beans. We've done so many things in their memory that I always have something to look at, or wear, or read that helps me remember them whenever I want.
Lauren Pictures, Images and PhotosLauren Pictures, Images and Photos

18 comments:

  1. Oh Lauren. I can't imagine how much your heart hurts. I think of you and tjog often ;) If it hadn't been for you I wouldn't be doing Jog Blog. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be honoring your babies in a special way this coming Sunday. I can't wait to show you. I know you love them so much. You are a beautiful mother.
    6 months.
    Abiding here with you. xxxx

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  2. Hi sweetie,
    I am proud of the strides you have made to this day, it takes alot to heal and weave the babies into your life without all of the sadness. You do so many beautiful things to honor them, and it does help many of us bereaved parents out there, so thank you for sharing your thoughts, and for opening your heart and your lives with us. Your angels look down and know what a special Mommy they have. And as you say, I know our babies are playing forever together up in the clouds. Love, Nan xo

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  3. I think 6 months is a big anniversary besides the 1 year. I know what you mean about it being just yesterday but them feeling like forever ago. I feel the same way. I don't mind continuing on with life because I know I have to but I just wish that I could do it with Carleigh.

    Thinking of and loving you.

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  4. I was encouraged to read how you're doing your best to move forward, remembering The Beans, all the while focusing on the positive things of life. Some days are easier than others, I'm sure. At least they are for me. Remembering your beautiful babies with you and praying for more "Beans" in your future, sooner than later. Love and blessings!

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  5. Each day that passes, I am more and more grateful for the time with our babies... months in the womb and moments outside of it. I wouldnt trade them for the world. Today is 9m since Alexander was born and passed into heaven's arms soon after, and this month was 18m since our twins were born and saw God face to face soon after. It's hard but every day is another blessing of knowing they are our babies, safe and loved always, and waiting for us.

    Sending hugs to you as you remember.

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  6. *hugs*

    I'll be praying for you today.

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  7. Praying as you continue to heal

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  8. Lauren you are an inspiration to me. You are always so positive and have a good out look on your loss. I know it must take work not to sink down into a dark hole, but you do it and it gives me hope. I hope I can be where you are sometime soon. Thinking of your and your beautiful beans. xx

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  9. Wow, I hadn't realized it had been six months already. Thanks for continuing to share your feelings and thoughts. I feel closer to your Beans every time you do! Love you!

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  10. I think of you and pray for you often! You are an amazingly strong woman an have inspired many many people! Lova Ya!

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  11. I think a lot about how the world keeps turning. When I leave an Angels room and I go home to my family and were laughing and the Angel family is Crying they are in so much pain. It just makes me realize how life works (its mean) I guess I am trying to say is I understand what your saying about moving forward. But I do believe you get to be sad, mad, worried etc. for as long as you need when ever you need. Feeling at a anytime are never bad.

    The Green beans are so lucky to have you two love them so much! I really believe you will get to raise them in heaven... I just think it will be amazing beyond our Imagination.

    I love hearing about them...Thank you for writing about it!

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  12. Unimaginable. I am so sad for your loss. Through all the pain you remain an inspiration. Thinking of and praying for you friend...

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  13. Sending you lots of hugs and love today and every day. I know how hard the anniversary days are...but even more than that, how difficult it is on days that aren't the anniversary days, too. Like you, I am slowly filling my life, and trying to fill that empty space- it is healthy to move forward, and even when we do move forward, the love we have for our babies will never leave us. They will ALWAYS be our children.

    Love,
    Erika

    http://littletinyfootprints.blogspot.com/

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  14. Thinking of your green beans on their 6 month angelversary. I am so saddened that they aren't here with you. I will never understand infant loss either. Your outlook on life though is amazing...much, much stronger than I ever was. Thinking of you and your sweet angels...

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  15. thinking of you all often. It was good talking to you the other day.

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  16. hang in there, sweetie.

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  17. My name is Jodi and found you through Caring For Carleigh's blog....I am soooo sorry to hear about your loss. I too lost my baby girl just 6 weeks ago, she was with us for 22 hours. I prayer for continued comfort and healing for you and your family....I will be adding your blog to my "list to check!"

    Jodi

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  18. ok, this is totally random and I have never blogged before but my name is Tonnie Brayman and I ran into your page when I was looking up tatto's of Lilies. I was pregnant with a baby girl and had her about 7 weeks ago stillborn. I was 23 weeks along when I had her. It was devistating and last night was hard to get through. I hope you don't think Im weird or a stalker but I saw the pictures of your babies and thought that my baby looked axactly like them. She was about a pound and almost the size of a ruler. I have wanted a complete stranger to talk to about this for a while but haven't found anyone that has been through the same thing. I love the verses and quotes that you have on your page. AWESOME!!! Every day that I am feeling down, I repeat the verse in Jeremiah 29:11. Reply back please and let me know about your story if you want or how you are coping with it. It doesn't seem like it's going to get better. And, to top it off, I'm not married so this was hard on my church family too. I am an emotional wreck so if you could halp a little, that would be great!
    My email is tonnie.brayman@nbbc.edu

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    follow me on Twitter
    My Story
    Welcome to my life…

    Over the past three years it has been flipped upside down. I am 31 years old, and married to my hubby of three years, Josh. We have 4 beautiful angel babies, who are fondly known as our “Green Beans”. The first of my quads, Heidi, held on as long as she could and was born on January 31, 2009 after pPROMing at 17 weeks. A few weeks later, I pPROM’d with my sweet Lily. Lily, Paige, and Rylan were all born at 22 weeks on February 23, 2009. Just after being released from the hospital empty handed, I returned with a high fever and infection. Two of the nights I spent in the hospital that week, I honestly thought I was going to die. It was the sickest and most hopeless I’ve ever been. I’m pretty sure my diagnosis was a broken heart.

    Our journey to becoming parents has had its share of happiness and heartbreaks. I got through every day by staying close to Josh, friends and family, blogging, and relying on God that my future will be bright. All the love and support I’ve gotten has greatly helped me manage……I am alive and well, and want to be my absolute best as a result of this.

    On May 1st 2011, we welcomed our sweet baby girl, Taylor, into this world. She is our miracle baby and brings so much joy and happiness in our lives. She is such a gift from God.

    I have come out of all of this with a better appreciation of life. I hope to make the best of this situation by helping others who will experience a similar loss.





    Remembering The Green Beans
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