May 31, 2009

left behind

I hope I look back at this post one day (sooner than later) and think I'm crazy for feeling this way... BUT, right now I just feel so left behind from happiness. I am happy from day to day and grateful for the good things in my life, but what I am referring to is the pure joy and happiness and fulfillment that having a baby brings.  Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely grateful for our new house, but it's pretty depressing having all those nice bedrooms sit completely empty with out purpose.  When we picked out this house, we had four babies in mind that would occupy those rooms.  Now it's just a big reminder of how "empty" my life is.

 I've been so left behind, and am so lost without my babies.  I'm at a time in my life were it seems that everyone I know has children now, and then there's me.  I'm sick if being asked my strangers if I have kids and having to say no.  Because I really do have babies; they are just not with me, and it's complicated.  Very complicated.  I'm sick of not feeling like myself anymore. When I look back at pictures, all I do is categorize them as pre and post-pregnancy, and that's all I see things as.  Pre-pregnancy was back when life was simple and I had no idea about what this pain feels like.  Everything that has occurred post-pregnancy has been a blur.  I haven't really been fully present in life since I lost my babies, unless I am thinking about them.

When I talk to other grieving moms or read their blogs, I've heard them say that their pain and grief changes over time, but never goes away.  That doesn't surprise me, I'd never expect it to completely go away, but it's just depressing to know I will be sad and empty to a certain extent for the rest of my life.  I hope one day we will have a healthy baby, and that will be amazing, but it will never take this feeling away.

So for now, I am feeling left behind.  I'm sure my time will come, and I'll try to be patient.  It's just hard adapting to how life is for me now.

38 comments:

  1. You won't look back and think you are crazy for feeling this way. What happened to you is unimaginably painful. You will slowly adjust to being "fully present." And time will help ease the pain. But right now, you need alot of support and love. There are many of us here in blogland to provide that. Hugs to you Lauren xxx

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  2. Hon, I am so there with you. Our nursery empty in a house meant to love babies. It's still too fresh to adjust to. Just when I think I am surfacing above grief, I fall back. You are not alone, and I am here if you need anything. Hugs, Nan

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  3. I have a friend who used those exact words not long ago...she feels "left behind". She has lost three babies and it seems like everyone around her either has children or is pregnant again.

    I know our situations are different, but Grady's room is still there...crib, changer, rocker, closet and drawers full of clothes and diapers, diaper bag packed...all there but without him. I can only imagine how those empty rooms in your new house look and feel to you.

    And as for your babies, you have to do what you're comfortable with, but I always include Grady in my answer about my children. It sometimes makes people uncomfortable, but I don't care. :-)

    I'll be praying for you. Hang in there!

    Love,
    Tonya

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  4. Lauren, it is so natural to feel the way you do. My heart aches for you. My daughter, Kerry (makingcoyne.com), is experiencing the same feelings and grief that you have. You are not alone. Continue to believe in Jer.29:11. I am praying for you.

    Claudia

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  5. Oh Lauren, it breaks my heart just thinking about what you and Josh have gone through with your babies. I can only imagine the pain and grief you are both still enduring. It's perfectly normal to feel like this. In fact, I would think there was something wrong if you didn't! I know your losses must be overwhelming at times and I hope your dreams of more children come true very soon.

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  6. I enjoy reading your blog because your feelings are so honest. While I can not relate to you personally nor understand your saddness I would like to express that I truly do feel for you. At times when I am frustrated with my children or life I realize how I do in fact have it lucky. You can not replace children (be it older or pre-born), but have you and your husband discussed when it will be time to try again? I remember seeing a couple on the news in California who had all three of their children killed when a tractor trailer rear ended their van. Part of their healing included having three more children. While many people would think it odd and that they were replacing their deceased children, I viewed it as them doing what was best for each other. As a couple you and your husband will find a way I am sure that will eventually lead you to the happiness you seek.

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  7. You're in my thoughts and prayers hon. I wish I had the right words to comfort you right now. Hang in there. We're here for you. xo

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  8. Here from L&F.

    I'm so sorry you're hurting after your losses. Its not crazy to feel this way. I was once told it would be crazy not to feel this way after what you've been through.

    Time does heal some of the pain but as you've already been told, not all of it. I've learnt to live through it and carry on for the children I now have but that is always easier said then done, I know :)

    Wishing you the best for the future.

    Artblog

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  9. I am so sorry for your losses, and I don't think you sound crazy at all. Just understandably heartbroken.

    I'll be thinking of you and your babies, and wishing you calm and healing.

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  10. *Here from LFCA* I'm so sorry you're hurting so much. Please knwo that you and your babies are in my thoughts. I am holding you so very close to my heart in the hopes I can take away even a little bit of your pain.
    *HUGS and PEACE*

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  11. Here from LFCA. So incredibly sorry for your losses.

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  12. I am praying for your family, and that you may one day find peace in your situation.

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  13. Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you! And never ever feel embarassed or ashamed by your feelings! Much Love and Prayers from Mississippi!!!

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  14. Love and hugs and prayers. I will remember your Green Beans.

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  15. Here from L&F...ITA with the others, you are feeling what ANYONE in your shoes would be feeling...utter greif and sadness at your loss and total confusion as to why it had to happen to you when so many people seem to have kids so easily. I hope that your time is soon to find out the plans of hope and prospering that God has for you. I love that Jer. verse as well, but sometimes it's just to hard to hold to, I'll admit, I doubt.

    Take care, Eve

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  16. I am so incredibly sorry to hear about your great losses. Hang in there...get through each day one breath, one moment at a time. That's all you'll be able to do for a while.

    Thinking of you and sending warmth.

    xoxo

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  17. they are so very beautiful. i will remember them, with my babies, in prayer.

    God's peace to you...

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  18. Lauren, When you were told you would feel the loss the rest of your life, I think that they meant to say that you don't ever really forget,....but you DO go on with life and chose to make wonderful new life memories rather than live pain each day. Hopefully, children will be a part of that for you in what ever form they come to you,...but you will never forget the first precious children you had. They will be a memory that always has a place in your heart...a heart that is open to many great future joys in life!!!!

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  19. Abiding with your loss and love for your precious babies. Here from LFCA, I am so sorry.

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  20. Lo,
    Being honest with your feelings is good. Sweetie you suffered terrible heart wrenching losses. you just don't get over it. The pain will lessen, the times between tears will lengthen but they will always be with you. I am sorry you are hurting.
    Love ya.

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  21. Here from LFCA to say how very sorry I am for the loss of all your gorgeous babes. Their faces, their names...wow - had to stop and catch my breath.

    I would be so honored to add them to the angel wall...and will be back to read as you continue to purge your emotions.

    www.wallofangels.blogspot.com

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  22. Hi - I'm here from LFCA to say your babies are beautiful and I am so sorry they were only with you for a very short time.
    You are in my thoughts and prayers. ((HUGS))

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  23. I got your blog site off of Nan's blog. I also lost a multiple pregnancy (triplets). Your loss is so new and it is completely normal and expected to feel the way you do. It SUCKS but is normal. It has been a bit over two years and I still cry on a daily basis...unfortunately. I am so very sorry your children are not here with you. I have a bereaved parents support site if you need anything, please let me know. Many hugs...

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  24. Lauren, this blog brings tears to my eyes! We love you so very much & we would never expect you to ever get over the loss of your little angels. They will be with all of us forever. I could never begin to imagine what it must feel like, but I do know that I am ALWAYS here for you! Everyone who meets you is so lucky to know you. I am so thankful to have such an amazing friend & I hope you know that you can talk to me, cry on my shoulder or just vent any time you need to. Love you!

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  25. I know how you feel. No one can say that you won't feel totally over this feeling or that it will completely go away with time. You will look back on this post and remember the pain, but be greatful for it's journey and lesson. Every time I see a baby in a stroller, or in a mother's arms, or laughing and playing, it reminds me of how much it hurts not even being able to get pregnant with my own eggs, I have to use donor eggs, and that is if my uterus will take them. The pain is so crushing, and even though this will be only a year from when they removed the tumor that took away my one dream in life; to be a mother, it still hurts, and I still cry. I want that happiness to, I want that joy to fill my life. I guess in time, we all have to wait our turn. Praying for you. :)

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  26. Lauren Honey, I love you! I am so sorry!

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  27. lauren, i have to thank you for expressing what i've been feeling so well. a couple nights ago bobby and i had a long talk about how i've been acting differently when we're out with friends compared to when we're home alone. he was worried that i was hiding all my pain from everyone but him and allowed my "depression" to come out at home. while yes, there are definitely sad and painful realities that we live with on a daily basis, i know i'm no longer "depressed". i had bobby read what you wrote and he was able to understand what i'm feeling and going through. thank you so much.
    i think to some, your last paragraph may just reiterate what you've written in the rest of your post. for me, it sounds so full of hope. purely honest and so hopeful.

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  28. I'm glad you wrote this to get it off your chest. We love you pal, can't wait to get these big bear claws on you for a nice hug!!!! :)

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  29. Lauren,
    You really have a way of putting into words very complex feelings. I'm so very sorry you're feeling such heartache. I pray you find your way through this difficult time hon.

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  30. Lauren,
    I know it's been a few days since you wrote this post but for some reason God really put you on my heart this morning. I pray that you will find love and comfort in His strength. God sees your pain and your tears...He has not left you to deal with this alone. I hope with each passing day that things will get a little easier.

    And remember that your feelings are completely natural and healthy. You should mourn the loss of your little ones. Such a heart wrenching tragedy will forever leave a scar. I'm so sorry you have to go through such pain... I can't even begin to imagine how much it must hurt.

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  31. Found your blog through a friend. I am praying for you guys!

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  32. Lauren, it breaks my heart to know that someone else is having to deal with the loss of a child and in your case four. I have lost three babies and I understand what you mean when you talk about being left behind. I wish I could tell you wonderful words to help but I can't. All I can say is that I pray for peace and comfort for both you and your husband. You are not alone although it feels like it because there are many of us who are still feeling the same things, just in different stages. Prayers for you daily.

    Tammy

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  33. it is a harsh reality to realize that this hurt will never *really* leave us...how do you go on knowing that for the rest of your life a piece of you will be empty?

    i dont know but i'm learning to live day by day. not looking to far forward for i have NO idea what it holds...

    and holding on to the truth that we will see our sweet babies again. ((hugs)) sweetie...we are here for you!

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  34. I can't imagine what you must be going through but I hope you know there are people thinking about you, and hoping the pain eases soon. ((hugs))

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  35. I'm so very sorry for the loss of your sweet children. I wish I had better words to tell you just how sorry I am.

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  36. Lauren,

    Thinking about you...and wishing I had something to say to make it easier. At almost a year out, I am still sad a lot- but there are moments of happiness, and moments of hope, and I am definitely much closer to acceptance than I was last July (when we lost our twin girls).

    I wrote a post about the longing to have a baby to hold on my grief blog awhile back...

    http://littletinyfootprints.blogspot.com/2009/02/what-new-baby-fixes.html

    It does give me hope to know that I will be reunited with my girls in Heaven. But, like you said, that does not fill my arms here on Earth.

    It's complicated, and I just want to let you know I'm here for you...I am so sorry that you are walking this path. I wish your four "beans" were keeping you busy right now with round the clock feedings and diaper changes. I wish my Vivian and Annemarie were doing the same.

    There is hope- it just takes time- and it doesn't happen overnight. At a year later, I am still slowly finding happiness and accepting this as my life. It will never be as it was before, but I believe it can still be good...that's what I'm hanging on to...

    Love,
    Erika

    http://littletinyfootprints.blogspot.com/

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  37. So sorry for your hurt/pain....

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  38. It definitely takes a while, you're not crazy or moving too slowly. It is incredibly hard to go through the loss. I don't think we ever "get over it", but it gets better. This was one thing that helped me to imagine while I was praying for God to heal my grief; http://www.schoolofabraham.com/pencil3.htm
    I received it and it made me feel better, in those early stages-especially past the 1 year mark-that Jesus is holding my baby girl, comforting her while she waits for me. Someone once told me that there would be a baby to enjoy and hold for me when I got to Heaven...
    I hope it helps. It is such a hard time, a tough grieving process, but you'll get through and people are praying for you...

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    My Story
    Welcome to my life…

    Over the past three years it has been flipped upside down. I am 31 years old, and married to my hubby of three years, Josh. We have 4 beautiful angel babies, who are fondly known as our “Green Beans”. The first of my quads, Heidi, held on as long as she could and was born on January 31, 2009 after pPROMing at 17 weeks. A few weeks later, I pPROM’d with my sweet Lily. Lily, Paige, and Rylan were all born at 22 weeks on February 23, 2009. Just after being released from the hospital empty handed, I returned with a high fever and infection. Two of the nights I spent in the hospital that week, I honestly thought I was going to die. It was the sickest and most hopeless I’ve ever been. I’m pretty sure my diagnosis was a broken heart.

    Our journey to becoming parents has had its share of happiness and heartbreaks. I got through every day by staying close to Josh, friends and family, blogging, and relying on God that my future will be bright. All the love and support I’ve gotten has greatly helped me manage……I am alive and well, and want to be my absolute best as a result of this.

    On May 1st 2011, we welcomed our sweet baby girl, Taylor, into this world. She is our miracle baby and brings so much joy and happiness in our lives. She is such a gift from God.

    I have come out of all of this with a better appreciation of life. I hope to make the best of this situation by helping others who will experience a similar loss.





    Remembering The Green Beans
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