March 12, 2009

i'm sad today...

I guess it’s normal to have good days and bad days, but today I definitely feel like I’m in a rut.  For the most part, I have good days.  I am happy to be alive and enjoying the ability to do things again, but today I am not feeling as positive.   There are plenty of things I should be doing and want to do, but I can’t seem to find the motivation to do anything.   I’ve been wanting to take a shower all morning, but can’t seem to get it done.   I feel like I just wander aimlessly around my house, unsure what to do next. 

I  just really miss being pregnant and having that hope that my babies will make it.  I did everything I could do for them, but for some reason it wasn’t meant to be.  I miss them so much, and I wish could take care of them.   Even though I know it’s not my fault, I feel guilty for bringing them into this world long before they were ready.

Don’t get me wrong... I really don’t think I am depressed.  I find joy in life, and I am so glad to be able to do things again.  I am grateful to be alive, and to have the opportunity to move on.   Just sometimes I feel like my life doesn’t allow me to take a minute just to be sad and miss my babies.  I don’t like feeling sad, so it’s easy for me to get busy and try not to think about things.  Today it’s catching up with me I guess.

It really sucks to have gone though a delivery and not to have your babies as a result of it.  I know I “look” pretty much back to normal, but I still feel gross.  I have no tolerance for not looking completely back to normal, because I don't have the excuse that I just had a baby.   I am going back to Pilates next week for some personal training, so hopefully after a few weeks of that, I will feel better.  

33 comments:

  1. Sending hugs and prayers your way.

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  2. Lauren - You should stop being so hard on yourself! I've been following your blog for the past few months, even though I have no idea who you are! You are (by far) the bravest person I've ever known... hang in there! Your day will come, I promise!!!

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  3. Lauren,
    It is completely normal for you to have good days and bad days and if you didn't wallow in sadness sometimes I would worry about you. My triplets were born at 26 weeks and while they are miracles and we are very blessed they do have issues and at times when things aren't going well I also get down on myself for not carrying them longer. It is so hard trying to understand why things happen the way they do sometimes. My advice is to always just take it a day at a time. Hugs and prayers going your way...

    Jamie

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  4. Completely normal. After losing our daughter, I was very upset of having "baby weight" and no baby. The busy-ness helps you keep your mind off it for a while, but the still times are sad. The shower was my worst time. I finally had to stop/slow down and grieve; crying (weeping, sometimes) in the shower, with prayers, of course. Our nursery was ready for our daughter and, though I was busy in our house, the door stayed closed for a while, until I could bear to repaint... focusing on the good things is good, but don't skip over the grieving part. Then when it hits, it's overwhelming. Just my thoughts. Praying for you both.

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  5. google the bevins blog. it may help. i read this family's story from start to finish the other night...over 4 hours. it gave me hope for life. i pray that you find peace and that when God thinks you're ready, you have more sweet healthy babies.

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  6. You have suffered a loss that not a lot of people can understand, I think it is important to let yourself grieve. Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully you will feel better by then. But if you don't it's ok, the healing process takes time. Just know that we are here for you and want to help in any way we can. We love you!

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  7. Lauren,
    I found your blog recently and have spent my nite catching up on your story. My heart is broken for you. I too have lost 4 babies to miscarriage and I know how it feels to have those good days and bad days. I can't even imagine what you're going through... My prayers are with you darling. Take your time to recover from this, take your time to feel the heartbreak, but you will bounce back better than ever! I'll be praying for you and your husband...

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  8. Hon I am so sorry!! Don't overdue it! This is a very heartbreaking and you have every right to be sad. Your babies are still with you and they love you so much for everything you did for them!!!!

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  9. Keeping you in my heart and prayers everyday. Always remember that Jesus has you and your babies in his arms always.

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  10. Hey Lauren!

    I have been following your blog for a little while now...Back in November I lost a little girl at 33 weeks...Mary Glenn was born with triploidy syndrome and lived 20 hours. I too have some really good days and then some bad days. The little thing can throw me into the sadest mood. Please know that I am praying for you and your husband...Stay strong.

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  11. Lauren,
    I come to you with tearfilled eyes and wishing I could say something that would make you feel even a measure better. You truly are a remarkable mother. You did everything in your power for your babies and endured more than anyone should have to. I pray for brighter days.

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  12. De lurking to say: If you weren't mourning the loss of your babies it would be a concern. Grief is normal and different for everyone but, I dont think its possible to go through what youve gone through and just go on with your life as if nothing happened.

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  13. Lauren- Sending prayers your way from Florida.

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  14. Lauren,
    I can't say anymore than what you have already been told. It is normal to grieve adn with what you have been thru, you have earned a day to just "be". I think of you so often & am sending you a big hug!
    Take care,
    Misty

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  15. I'm so sorry. While I havent been through anythings as traumatic as you but I have had 2 miscarriages and just know that everything you are feeling is so normal. I was told it wouldnt be normal if I didn't have those feelings.
    As for the weight issue or not looking completely back to normal...you DID just have babies. Try not to worry too much about it, you are beautiful.
    I hope in the days to come you find healing and are feeling better.
    Take care...
    Kel

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  16. I agree with the comment that if you weren't grieving then that would be something to worry about. Grieving the loss of 4 children is immense and it's a wonder that you're functioning at all.

    If you need anything, just let me know.

    Becky K

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  17. Lauren,

    I found your blog and have been following it. you are such a strong woman and you are doing very well!! Its normal to feel all of the things you are feeling. You lost a part of you that you will never ever forget. Its okay to remember them, its okay to hurt & cry. I had my daughter @ 32 weeks and yes she survived so I do not know what you are feeling, but my mother lost her first born son due to still born and he was full term. That was 30 years ago and still to this day she grieves over him. You are an amazing woman dont ever forget that

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  18. You need to have time to greive your loss. You cannot expect to go right back to normal living. Just take time for yourself. Go get a massage, a pedicure, a manicure, go out to coffee with friends. Just take time to take care of yourself. I am praying for you.

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  19. I am so sorry you had a hard day. I agree with many of the other comments-you do need time to grieve your losses. Take some time to do things for you or spend extra time with Josh or a good friend. What about planning a trip-maybe nothing extravagent but just a way for you and Josh to get away for a little while? I have taken care of a lot of families who have lost a child and I know many of them plan a trip together (when they are ready, of course). Just a suggestion. Take care and we'll be thinking about you :) Have a better day today.
    Erika from IL

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  20. Hugs to you, Lauren. It's hard. You are doing great, and it's O.K. to still grieve sometimes.

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  21. Lauren,

    I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better, but it is a process. You are doing a remarkable job and have so much respect for you that you can continue to post about how you feel. I think it's a good way to get through. Just know that we are all here for you....for anything and know that we are here listening (reading). We love you lots!
    Kelly

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  22. It's okay to feel down some days...You're allowed to grieve. I'm so sorry it's been a bad day. I think of you often and offer up a quick prayer every time.

    I hope tomorrow is better! Glad you and Josh had a good date night....you look absolutely stunning in that picture (even if you don't feel it on the inside).

    Love and prayers from KS,
    Moni

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  23. The grief process is a long, windy road and there are many ups and downs along the way. I have lost 2 children myself and my advice is to find a support group in your area so you can talk to people in your shoes face to face. It is so helpful to tell your story and have people validate what you are feeling. On line groups help also, but the groups in your areaa will have special meetings for holiday and extremely hard days like Mother's Day and such. My prayers are with you and your family. Your babies will not be forgotten....

    Kathleen

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  24. Laura,

    Don't explain or feel you have to rationalize why you feel like you do. You just lost 4 babies. Four of your children aren't where they are supposed to be. My heart aches for you.

    I know a few women in my life who have lost children. The thing they all say and all have in common is that in the days/weeks/early months, your only job is to breathe in and breathe out. Put one foot in front of the other and if you can do that, that's a fantastic accomplishment and a great day!

    I think our brains and hearts often numb us to certain feelings. We can only process so much at a time. It's our body's kind way of managing immense pain and stress. Let yourself grieve and don't feel you need to explain. If you did bounce back and everything was normal, there are many who would worry MORE than if you just let yourself grieve.

    I'm so sorry that you aren't still pregnant. It is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. It hurts. It sucks. It's awful. I am truly sorry.

    Be kind to yourself and be ready for the numbness to wear off...or at least don't be surprised when it does. It's so very normal and it will be okay.

    Maddy

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  25. Ack! Sorry for calling you Laura...just got off the phone with my friend Laura and realized my mistake after posting my message. Sorry I'm such a numbskull. Hugs to you and yours LAUREN. ;-)

    Maddy

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  26. Lauren,

    Your strength and spirit amaze me. You were/are a great mommy to your babies, and now you're struggling with the loss of your Little Ones and figuring out your new role. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers as you grieve and heal.

    Warmly,
    Jennifer

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  27. Lauren,

    I am so sorry. It is so normal to be sad. I would say that what you are experiencing is grief. I have heard it said that depression is an abnormal reaction to normal events, and grief is a normal reaction to abnormal events. You have lost four babies. Of course, you are going to have hard days. They are always going to be your babies, and you did such a good job. You are such a good mom. My identical twin daughters were stillborn in July, and here I am over 8 months later, still having very sad days sometimes. My good days have become more frequent, but I still do break down. It's normal.

    Sending you lots and lots of love,
    Erika

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  28. Lauren-
    I came across your blog thru kellyskorner. I have been praying for you ever since. Don't be so hard on yourself. You shouldn't have to go back to "normal' because although you are not holding your babies in your arms-you did have babies and NOBODY expects you to be back to 'normal'. It will take time. I love the fact that you and your hubby had a date night. That is something you both needed. You are still in my prayers.

    Christine

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  29. just wanted to tell you i said a prayer for you. we just lost our precious little baby andon on february 3. he was stillborn at 34 weeks due to me developing HELLP and pre-eclampsia and my placenta pulling completely away. my heart hurts for you and the loss of your babies. i understand the keeping busy and then it all catching up. i feel the same way at times.

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  30. Oh you're a hottie LG! Yow!!! :)

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  31. I just found your blog today, and I find it very inspirational. I lost my baby at 10 weeks, and was absolutely devasted. I loved reading this posting because I can relate to what you're going through. None of my friends have ever lost their babies, so its nice to know someone is feeling the way I am.
    Good luck in the future. God has a plan for us!

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  32. I found your blog through Kelly's Korner. I am so sad to hear all that you have been through and of your incredible loss. Oh it is so normal to still feel sad the grieving process can take time. I will be praying for you and your husband.

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  33. Lauren, anytime you want to talk or have a shoulder to cry on, I'm always here for you! Mike is always happy to watch Cam so anytime you need a girl's outing, you let me know! Love you!

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    My Story
    Welcome to my life…

    Over the past three years it has been flipped upside down. I am 31 years old, and married to my hubby of three years, Josh. We have 4 beautiful angel babies, who are fondly known as our “Green Beans”. The first of my quads, Heidi, held on as long as she could and was born on January 31, 2009 after pPROMing at 17 weeks. A few weeks later, I pPROM’d with my sweet Lily. Lily, Paige, and Rylan were all born at 22 weeks on February 23, 2009. Just after being released from the hospital empty handed, I returned with a high fever and infection. Two of the nights I spent in the hospital that week, I honestly thought I was going to die. It was the sickest and most hopeless I’ve ever been. I’m pretty sure my diagnosis was a broken heart.

    Our journey to becoming parents has had its share of happiness and heartbreaks. I got through every day by staying close to Josh, friends and family, blogging, and relying on God that my future will be bright. All the love and support I’ve gotten has greatly helped me manage……I am alive and well, and want to be my absolute best as a result of this.

    On May 1st 2011, we welcomed our sweet baby girl, Taylor, into this world. She is our miracle baby and brings so much joy and happiness in our lives. She is such a gift from God.

    I have come out of all of this with a better appreciation of life. I hope to make the best of this situation by helping others who will experience a similar loss.





    Remembering The Green Beans
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